Mother Knows Best and So To You!

My first solo shopping excursion was a complete and utter disaster.  I bought a sweater and a pearl necklace that was about 4 feet in length (yes, it was the 80′s).  My mom took one look at the items and told me to take them back for a refund. 
“Why,” I cried desperately, “I love them.”

She wisely pointed out that hidden in the design of the sweater was the image of a naked woman and no daughter of hers would be wearing something like that.  And the necklace was just plain ridiculous, considering you’d have to wrap it around your neck 4 times just so you wouldn’t trip on it.  Plus, my mom added, the ensemble made me look fat. Of course, when I put it on for the second time, away from the ‘magic mirrors’ of the dressing room shop, I could completely see what what my mom was saying.  I decided then and there that moms are always right, that my mom would always know what was best for me. And I would turn to her when I needed advice, knowing that whatever she said, I would follow.

Today, I find myself in a similar position, however, there is one key difference.  This time, I am the mother.  And, I wonder, will I be able to be the model for my children?  Will they, in their hearts, (perhaps despite their arguments to the contrary) trust that I might know a thing or two?  And do I dare dream that they would have a similar epiphany?

There’s a fine line between playing a certain role and then stepping into the newer one, the one with more responsibility attached.  When does the student become the teacher?  How does the employee become the employer?  And why is it so tough to trust that you will be a great parent?

Some people resist the newer roles until it just stares them in the face and they are forced to meet the challenge.  They can feel overwhelmed and ill-prepared, and so their chances of success falter.  This further cements the fact that they think they can’t do it, and so they stop trying.

They put labels on themselves and wear them proudly because it’s easier than failing, or even trying.  “I’m a busy father” is easier than managing his time so he has some to spend with his family.  “I’m lucky to have this job” is a great excuse to stifle the dreams of financial freedom and working on that business plan that has loomed in the dark corners of the brain for years.  “I know, I’m picky,” is an excellent one for never taking a chance on anything – and really, will the odds ever be good enough?

But what if any role you take on, you embrace whole-heartedly? What if you could know, without a doubt, that you have what it takes to be a wise mother, a fabulous teacher, and a successful entrepreneur?  Would you be more willing to put in the effort? 

In life coaching, the answer to this is called the Triad of language, focus, and physiology.  It contains the three forces that shape our behaviors and emotions.  And you don’t need any special tools to make it work for you.

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Step 1 – Physiology

How would I walk if were to become that ‘mom’ who knows everything?  How would you shake hands with people if you were to become that successful entrepreneur?  How would you smile at your students if you wanted to teach them a difficult subject?

What do you want to be?  How would you conduct yourself if you were to become that person?  What part of your physiology needs to change now in order to become that person?
The answers lie within you. 

Write them down.

Step 2 – Language

If you can articulate the role you wish to embrace and what it would entail, you can walk into it as well.  What are you currently saying to yourself in relation to what you want to become? Are you telling yourself that you are a fantastic mother?  Are you saying that your students are very blessed to have you as their teacher?  Can you put into words the benefit that will come to your niche market once you assume a leadership role in your business endeavors?

What new phrases, words, and metaphors will empower you?

Go ahead, write it all down.

Step 3 – Focus

You’ve heard it a million times before, but it’s worth repeating, “where focus goes, energy flows.” 

Instead of focusing on the impossible, focus on the possible.  In order to succeed in your new role, what do you need to focus on or believe in?  Write it down.

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So, how do you know when it’s working?  When you start seeing yourself in the role, seeing yourself as the role, then you know it’s working. 

And a little confirmation from your mentor or from those you mentor would be nice too. 

So, the other day, my mom told me to shop and buy a spring jacket for her.  I asked her, “how do you know I would get you something you liked?” She replied that she trusted my shopping ability, that things I buy are ‘always the best’. 

Hmmm…go figure.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think!

Little Maya is such a drama queen!  When Maryam and Hanifa are building a lego castle together, Maya shouts, “They hate me!”  Her glass of juice falls to the ground, and she cries, “I’m such a klutz!”.  And when the flower on her yellow sundress is snagged on a hook and pulled off, Maya is inconsolable.  It was her favorite thing to wear and now she won’t be able to find anything in her closet!

I just read some pretty interesting statistics. Our minds are constantly pouring out thoughts, beliefs, and self-talk.  According to scientists, we have about 60,000 thoughts per day.  If you do the math, that’s one thought per second during every waking hour.  SubhanAllah!
Furthermore, of those 60,000 thoughts, 95 % of them are the exact same thoughts you had yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that.  Over and over, the thoughts play around in your mind, like a never ending loop.  And research also shows that of those habitual thoughts, 80% of them are negative ones. 

How many times a day have ones like these played over in your mind:

‘I hate my (fill in the blank)’
‘I’m worried about (fill in the blank)’
‘I won’t be able to accomplish (fill in the blank)’
‘I’m horrible for thinking/doing/saying (fill in the blank)’
‘Nobody cares about me’

Having negative thoughts often has a profound effect on your anxiety levels and health.  On the other hand, positive thoughts have a calming, nourishing effect on the mind.  They are the medicine needed for that which ails us.

To think negative thoughts, ones that are judgmental, worrisome, and make you dwell on the bad, is to sentence yourself to a prison of your own making.  And frequently, when you finally realize the truth about those thoughts, you smack yourselves on the head and can’t believe you were so misguided in them. 

When Maryam and Hanifa were building that castle, their intention may have been to make Maya feel better, to have something to house her doll in.  But Maya’s thoughts immediately jumped to the negative, and she’s the one who suffered for it. 

Can you think of times when your thoughts were so completely off the mark?

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Undoubtedly, having the ability to replace negative thoughts with positive ones is most ideal. 

People will say, ‘think positive’.  But sometimes this is just ‘fluffy’ advice that doesn’t mean much.  How about something a bit different:

“Don’t believe everything you think!”

Do you believe everything you read?  Probably not.  Do you believe everything you hear?  Probably not.  And if seeing is believing, then where does Photoshop fit in? 

Similarly, your thoughts don’t always give you a true glimpse of reality.  And when you hold the power to shine the light on them, you can take away their power to cause you grief.
Here’s an exercise to do:

1. Write down your negative thought.
2. Ask yourself, ‘is it true?’
3. Can you be certain it is absolutely true?
4. How do you react when you believe that thought?  What happens?  How do you treat  others when you believe that thought?  How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought?
5.  Who would you be without that thought?  How would you be different if you didn’t believe that thought?

Now turn the thought around.  Write down the newer one.  Is that as true as the old one?  Is it more true?  Each time you get a newer thought, find 3 real examples of how much truer that thought is in your life.

(adapted from ‘The Work’ by Katie Byron)

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When you get into the habit of questioning your thoughts, you’ll learn that you don’t need to be a hero of positivity to deal with negative ones.  And as you get better at questioning those that slow you down and make you feel miserable, they will lose their power over you.  You will feel lighter, happier, more capable. 

The drama will dissipate.

Poor Maya, she really needs a coach

 

How the Queen of Sheba tames the Green Eyed Monster

When she looks in the mirror – she sees fury.  The “Green Eyed Monster” is ugly, and it’s eating her alive, destroying her self-worth, and making her feel like she’s lost control.  She’s lost control over the actions of her mate, her friends, even her own emotions.  It’s time to step back – and take back her life from the control of this beast.

Here’s the step-by-step plan I would give her:

1.  Set guidelines from the very beginning

Tell the one you are feeling jealous about (usually the spouse) what bothers you and how he can avoid it.  If a women doesn’t want her husband to make small talk with her friends when they call, she needs to articulate this to him in a polite and respectful way. 

2.  Cut to the Chase

What’s really going on behind all the jealousy?  What does it really represent?  When did it start?  Why does she allow it to consume her?

A sit down with a girl’s best friend (her journal) is definitely in order.  She should pour out her thoughts, and try to answer these questions.  I wonder what her journal will reveal to her?

3.  Reality or Perception?

Is what she believes the truth?  When her husband comes home late from work one night- does it truly mean that he was with another woman?  What negative picture is her imagination painting?  She needs to sit down and really seek out the truth, rather than what she believes is the truth. 

4.  Love Yourself

I tell this to the women I work with a lot.  And I’ll share this exercise with you know. I want you to look into the mirror before you sleep each night and think of at least 5 things that are absolutely amazing about you.  It could be that you have great toes, or that you picked up a banana peel on the street.  It could be the way your eyes twinkle when you smile.  I don’t know – all I know, is that you should be able to come up with 5 different ones each night.  In the Quran, Allah SWT says “If you were to count the blessings of Allah, you would not be able to reckon them all (14:34).”

5.  Put It Out There

The Queen of Sheba needs to ask her mate for reassurance.  What does he think? How much does he really love her and how can he calm her doubts? 

Also, a friend’s objective opinion can do wonders.  What would an objective third party say about the jealous behaviours?

Hope that helps.

I’m loving the growth of the strong Queen of Sheba.  And I pray that Allah SWT accepts from me and you all that is good

 

Jealousy: The Bad

She didn’t readily agree to marry the Prophet SAW.  She was Um Salamah, may Allah SWT be pleased with her.  After the death of her beloved and noble husband, she received (and refused) marriage proposals from the likes of Abu Bakr and Umar, may Allah be pleased with them.  Only when Muhammad SAW approached with his offer, did she waver.  She said to him, “Oh messenger of Allah, I have 3 characteristics (which should prevent you from marrying me).  I am an old woman. I also have children.  And I am a women who gets extremely jealous.”  The Prophet SAW answered her as such, “In regards to your advanced age, so too am I afflicted with this.  And as for your children, so too are they mine, and their father was my brother.  But your jealousy, I will pray to Allah SWT to remove that from you.”

The marriage happened and Um Salamah went down in history as a mother of the believers.  And the jealousy that happened amongst the wives of the prophet SAW (and how it hurt him) has been documented.  And, what’s interesting about this hadith is the fact that the Prophet SAW explicitly mentioned that jealousy is not a good thing – something that women should seek refuge from.

Jealousy can stem from feelings of insecurity and when it comes to marriage, the feelings can chip away at the structure on which it is built.  When jealousy is blown out of proportion it can become irrational – and send people into fits of rage.  And even if the woman never articulates her feelings, it can eat her up inside, making her feel worthless and unloved. 

And how, in such a state, can she then release her inner queen of sheba?

Check back for tips on “How the Queen of Sheba tames the Green Eyed Monster”.

Harmful Labels and Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

 

by Heba Alshareef

“Dummy!”  It’s the favorite new word of my two year old.  She says it all the time, with no regard to decorum or awareness of place.  It’s “dummy” to her brother who says he is too busy to play with her, “dummy” to the senior gentleman who smiles at her in the grocery check-out line, “dummy” to the stroller harness that prevents her from running around like a mad child, “dummy” to me when I refuse to give her yet another cookie. 

 

It’s not a nice word, I know, and please don’t ask me where she learned it.

           

Not nice words have the remarkable ability to become labels, and labels can become harmful.  How many times have you heard these ones?

“She’s the clown.”  “He’s the trouble-maker.”  “I’m lazy.”   “You’re heartless!”

Try to think of people that you know or care about and inevitably, the labels you’ve placed in relation to them will come up as well.  Who is the “good?” The “bad?” The “ugly?” 

 

Who are you?  What are you?

Labels can be extremely harmful in that they confine people to boxes that must contain any other tendencies not in accordance to the markers that describe their natures.  So, for example, can the girl who is seen by everyone to be the ‘class clown’ ever cry and take a dramatic turn?  She will struggle to push down any feelings of disappointment because ‘it isn’t who she is.’  Just imagine how stifling the box she is in can become. 

 

The label that got you here won’t get you to where you want to go…

What progress will we ever make if we keep calling ourselves “lazy”?  We’ll get to know our couches very well, but is that the life you really want for yourself or for anyone else you care about whom you’ve affixed the same label to?

            Allah SWT says in Surah Al Hujuraat:  “O ye who believe! Let not some men among you laugh at others: It may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): Nor let some women laugh at others: It may be that the (latter are better than the (former): Nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames: Ill-seeming is a name connoting wickedness, (to be used of one) after he has believed: And those who do not desist are (indeed) doing wrong.”

 

Labels should be left for food items and clothing brands.  Still, it is human nature to generalize and labels can shape who we are, they live with us and have the power to live on after us.  Consider the Prophet Muhammad SAW, known in his life time and until this day as “Al Amin”, the trustworthy. 

 What will your label legacy look like?

1. Turn to a new page in your journal.
2. Write down the old labels you’ve given yourself.
3. Rip it out and burn it and do it with a vengeance!
4. Repeat step 1.
5. Write down your new labels. 

Wear the label.    Live the label.    Be the label.   Own the label. 

 

As for me, I don’t want to be a “dummy”, so I’m off to give my two year old that chocolate chip cookie.  I know she’s going to say, “Mama nice,” when I do.  And bribing my way to a new label, well…hey, as long as it’s a good one, I’ll take it.