How the Queen of Sheba tames the Green Eyed Monster

When she looks in the mirror – she sees fury.  The “Green Eyed Monster” is ugly, and it’s eating her alive, destroying her self-worth, and making her feel like she’s lost control.  She’s lost control over the actions of her mate, her friends, even her own emotions.  It’s time to step back – and take back her life from the control of this beast.

Here’s the step-by-step plan I would give her:

1.  Set guidelines from the very beginning

Tell the one you are feeling jealous about (usually the spouse) what bothers you and how he can avoid it.  If a women doesn’t want her husband to make small talk with her friends when they call, she needs to articulate this to him in a polite and respectful way. 

2.  Cut to the Chase

What’s really going on behind all the jealousy?  What does it really represent?  When did it start?  Why does she allow it to consume her?

A sit down with a girl’s best friend (her journal) is definitely in order.  She should pour out her thoughts, and try to answer these questions.  I wonder what her journal will reveal to her?

3.  Reality or Perception?

Is what she believes the truth?  When her husband comes home late from work one night- does it truly mean that he was with another woman?  What negative picture is her imagination painting?  She needs to sit down and really seek out the truth, rather than what she believes is the truth. 

4.  Love Yourself

I tell this to the women I work with a lot.  And I’ll share this exercise with you know. I want you to look into the mirror before you sleep each night and think of at least 5 things that are absolutely amazing about you.  It could be that you have great toes, or that you picked up a banana peel on the street.  It could be the way your eyes twinkle when you smile.  I don’t know – all I know, is that you should be able to come up with 5 different ones each night.  In the Quran, Allah SWT says “If you were to count the blessings of Allah, you would not be able to reckon them all (14:34).”

5.  Put It Out There

The Queen of Sheba needs to ask her mate for reassurance.  What does he think? How much does he really love her and how can he calm her doubts? 

Also, a friend’s objective opinion can do wonders.  What would an objective third party say about the jealous behaviours?

Hope that helps.

I’m loving the growth of the strong Queen of Sheba.  And I pray that Allah SWT accepts from me and you all that is good

 

Jealousy: The Bad

She didn’t readily agree to marry the Prophet SAW.  She was Um Salamah, may Allah SWT be pleased with her.  After the death of her beloved and noble husband, she received (and refused) marriage proposals from the likes of Abu Bakr and Umar, may Allah be pleased with them.  Only when Muhammad SAW approached with his offer, did she waver.  She said to him, “Oh messenger of Allah, I have 3 characteristics (which should prevent you from marrying me).  I am an old woman. I also have children.  And I am a women who gets extremely jealous.”  The Prophet SAW answered her as such, “In regards to your advanced age, so too am I afflicted with this.  And as for your children, so too are they mine, and their father was my brother.  But your jealousy, I will pray to Allah SWT to remove that from you.”

The marriage happened and Um Salamah went down in history as a mother of the believers.  And the jealousy that happened amongst the wives of the prophet SAW (and how it hurt him) has been documented.  And, what’s interesting about this hadith is the fact that the Prophet SAW explicitly mentioned that jealousy is not a good thing – something that women should seek refuge from.

Jealousy can stem from feelings of insecurity and when it comes to marriage, the feelings can chip away at the structure on which it is built.  When jealousy is blown out of proportion it can become irrational – and send people into fits of rage.  And even if the woman never articulates her feelings, it can eat her up inside, making her feel worthless and unloved. 

And how, in such a state, can she then release her inner queen of sheba?

Check back for tips on “How the Queen of Sheba tames the Green Eyed Monster”.

Jealousy: The Good

In my all time favorite episode of Little House on the Prairie, Almonzo finally realizes how much he loves Laura and he punches out a young man who he thinks is making advances on her.  I loved this episode, would watch 9 seasons of the show for this one episode (it’s a very decent show – quite old- maybe i’m betraying my age by mentioning it here ).  What I loved about it was the way Almonzo realized that she was someone to be treasured, that she was someone he’d get into trouble to protect.  His jealousy was proof positive that he loved her.  As a girl, I dreamed that one day some man would feel the same way about me.   The indicator for how much he loved me would be the measure of his jealousy level. 

And if women are completely honest with themselves, they would agree that a man who shows a healthy amount of jealousy is very appealing.  And his jealous tendencies are a testimonial to how much he values you and wants to keep you all to himself.

The Prophet Muhammad SAW has said, “A dayooth will not enter Jannah.”  He was asked, “what is a dayooth, of prophet of Allah?”  He, SAW, replied, “the one who does not act with jealousy in regards to his womenfolk.”

Healthy jealousy is quite natural and indicates protectiveness on the part of the husband, and makes the wife feel valued.

And I love this story:

Asma bint Abu Bakr is said to have narrated that when Al Zubayr (may Allah be pleased with them) married her, he had no land property, nor a slave, nor anything else, except a camel for ’work’ and a horse. She said: “I would give fodder to his horse, draw the water, patch his water skin, knead the flour. I was not good at baking and preparing bread; but I had some sincere Ansar neighbour ladies who used to help me with the baking. I used to bring, on my head, fruit kernels from the land which the Prophet (peace be upon him) had given to Al Zubair. That land was at a distance of three farsakhs (about ten miles). One day I was on my way home with a load on my head when I met the Prophet with a number of Ansar. the Prophet (peace be upon him) asked me to ride, behind him on the camel, but I felt shy of joining the company of men. The Prophet (peace be upon him) realised that I was feeling shy and, therefore, continued his journey without me. Later I came to Al Zubayr and told him how I met the Prophet (peace be upon him) with a company of Ansars, and how I declined his offer when he bade the camel to kneel so that I might ride behind him. I told Al Zubair I felt shy and remembered his jealousy, self-respect and honour. On hearing that account Al Zubayr said, ‘By God your heavy laboring is far more distressing for me than riding the camel with the Prophet’. Later Abu Bakr sent me a servant to save me the trouble of looking after the horse and I felt as if I had been relieved of the bondage of slavery”. (Bukhari)

Subhan Allah, Asma feared the jealousy of her husband, and indeed he was a jealous man. But moreover, it was his love and care for her that was the fundamental point behind his jealousy!  Subhan Allah! 

What about bad jealousy or downright destructive jealousy?  Keep checking back inshAllah